Kathryn Elaine Carleton 09/27/21 to 09/28/07

As I was going into Starbucks this morning, I noticed a one-legged bird by my car. I've never seen one before and I'm not sure what made me notice this one. But I did. I stared at it for a while. I kept thinking that the other leg was just hiked up like a flamingo's. I went in and bought my drink, and as I was walking to my car I noticed that it was still there. Like it was waiting for me or something. I had a moment with the bird. Another man noticed the missing leg, crouched down to look closer, and the bird flew away.

I am trying very hard to find some existential reason for coming across a one-legged bird that waited over 5 minutes for me while I was inside Starbucks. It's weird, right?

I've heard people say that sometimes a person will "visit" a loved one not long after they pass away, just not in their typical form.

My grandmother died yesterday afternoon. She had been sick a very long time and no longer knew who she was, nor anyone else. I hadn't visited her for over a year even though she was just a few miles away. The day before yesterday was her birthday. Her 86th. My mother urged me to visit her but I didn't. I feel guilty.

She would never have known I was there. And I'm not making excuses for myself. I didn't want to see her. The last time I did was not pleasant. I sat with her while she folded a cloth napkin, unfolded it, folded it again, unfolded it, and over and over and over again. When I tried to make any contact with her, like hold her hand or help her with the napkin, she would look at me, scowl, and scream, "NO NO NO NO NO NO!" It scared me. And drew a lot of attention my way. I started thinking that the staff there may think I was torturing her in some way. That was the last time I visited her.

She was the nicest woman I have ever known. Even during my parents bitter divorce I never heard her say an unkind word about my father. She was the only one who held that kind of niceness. I wish I was as nice as her, but I'm not and I don't think I ever will be. Nobody can really. Or I guess nobody chooses to.

I'm not going to go on and on about how god must have needed a nice lady in heaven, or how he works in mysterious ways because I don't believe any of it. Why would a god make the last ten years of anyone's life a blank page? Why would he reduce her to an existence of blubbering nonsense and have the need for someone else to clean and feed her? Why would god cause such a good person to suffer? The only thing I do know is that she no longer has to live in a world not even knowing that she doesn't know anything. I am thankful for that. She was too much a lady and would never have wanted to live the last few years in the way that she did.

I used to have so much fun with Gramma. My cousin and I were the same age and always spent the night at Gramma and Grampy's together. She gave us bucketfulls of spices, flour, sugar, liquids, noodles, and any other kind of food that we pointed out to waste on pure entertainment. We called it cooking. She let us dress up in anything we wanted from her closet. She showed us how to paint the sidewalk with water, and when it disappeared, we would paint it again. She bought us ice cream each and every time we went over there. She came over to my house every Christmas morning just to watch us open presents. She came to our soccer games, softball games, and graduations. She was the biggest Mavs and Cowboys fan I have ever seen in my life. My mother and I both got our "sports-scream" from her. "GET IT!!!!!!" I think I will hear her voice screaming those words for the rest of my life.

I haven't been able to talk to her for years, but I just began to miss her.

She has left us all.