Salvation me from Army

This is the season of giving, but don't forget! It is also the season of guilting. Large companies, non-profits, do-gooders, fundraisers, they all want one thing. Money. From me.

I cannot possible be the only one. You do it too. Avoid - eye - contact.

The Salvation Army is a killer. They have a cutesy commercial running right now. A mom and her very well dressed, curly haired daughter get out of their high-priced SUV and head to the front doors of some chain shopping store. My guess is a WalMart. Susie-Q walks up to the man ringing his bell in front of a large red pot and drops her money in. "Thank you," he says in an oh-so-sincere way. Susie-Q beams. Mom's proud. And the Salvation Army guy smiles. The world is a better place now, or so they'd like you to think.

In real life I have highly doubted the sincerity of the Salvation Army bell-ringers for quite some time. I remember them looking pretty shady during my childhood and the last thing I wanted to do was fund their malt liquor binge that night. I never once gave money. This year, though, the bell ringers look pretty genuine. I hate it.

Every dang store I go to has a ringer up front. They are so..... happy.... friendly.... cheerful... clean. Where are the ringers of the past who didn't make me feel guilty when I bypassed them and spent a fortune on knick-knacks for coworkers and crappy little decorations to put up in my classroom? I want them back.

The current ringers smile. They exude the Christmas spirit. They unwittingly instill in me a deep sense of guilt. And I'm not even Catholic!

It began before Thanksgiving. I ran up to the craft store real quick and before I could lock my car doors I heard that bell ringing. Uh-oh. How the hell was I going to get past her? The crowd wasn't big enough for me to slip by without her noticing. It would take a stealth operation. And just as I stepped up onto the sidewalk near the entrance, sweet bliss. An exiting customer rammed her cart into the exit door knocking a ton of her purchases out of the cart. Thank goodness for those nice Salvation Army people! If the ringer hadn't helped that lady pick up all of her things I would never have been able to get through the front door without digging into my mostly empty wallet. Whew! It was a close one.

Now since I haven't done any shopping recently I haven't had another S-A ringer run-in. Until yesterday. WalMart. Early afternoon. Very friendly guy ringing his bell. He was gonna be a doozy. He had a smile, a cowboy jacket, and a very loud voice that in no way shape or form could I pretend not to hear. My inner voice began repeating my Scrooge mantra. No eye contact... no eye contact... keep your head down...focus... focus... "MERRY CHRISTMAS LADY!" Huh? It was a direct assault. He was talking to me. I was so close! Only inches from the door, but he got me. I beamed a wide smile, raised my hand in the air, and waved with body language that said, "Don't worry- I'll donate on my way out!!" I was inside. Safe. And had a good thirty minutes before I would need to begin my escape route.

I ended up not buying a single thing. I was walking out empty handed but seriously considering taking the very-much-out-of-my-way garden department exit so as to avoid the S-A guy. Sure, it'd be a cold walk back to my car exactly fifteen feet from the front doors of the store, but a cheap one. I just couldn't do it. I was in a hurry. So I headed out. And that's when I saw him.

No. Way.

The S-A guy was dialing his cell phone. Did I have a chance at making it? Could I make a clean getaway? Can the S-A ringers possibly be able to multi-task by dialing and guilting me at the same time? The answer is no. Mr. Ringer was having such a difficult time dialing with his gloves on that he was completely consumed with the tiny numbers on his Samsung. I made it with no interruptions at all.

This can only mean one thing.

My fung shui is working. My prosperity corner is finally paying off. If I add just a few more green items into my gua then I just might go from a quickly depleting bank account to actually getting my savings account over the minimum amount requirement. It's a major shift in my paradigm but things are looking up.