Progress

When I scan through pictures of people who have lost weight I notice many things. One is that men look much older after losing a large amount of weight and women look younger, but tend to screw it up by running out to get short haircuts. I have ALWAYS wanted to get the Gwyneth Paltrow haircut.
I've never gotten the courage to actually go for it- I know I'm not meant to be a short-haired person. I have lost 60 pounds since the day of my surgery. The salon is calling me to "Gwyneth" myself but I have to remain strong. I can't do it. I don't want to be like all of those women who's "thing" was to get a short haircut. I have to find my own thing.


I've been thinking about taking up biking. I haven't been on a bike in ten years- there is an image I am trying to avoid, but I'm starting to realize that I may not look as bad as this poor girl. My goal is to look as cool as the girls I see riding around White Rock Lake. I think I'll begin by riding around my neighborhood. Good thing helmets are mandatory because I won't quite be ready to show my face on the bike for a while. Bike riding will have to be a covert operation for now.

My mind plays tricks on me these days. Sometimes I walk around thinking I look horrible but feeling great in the way my clothes fit now. Other days I feel like I look great and I prance around like a ballerina, but at some point I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my world comes crashing down again. It's like I'm in limbo. My mind and body don't see myself the same way. They're like bickering siblings, and they never agree on how I look. I am constantly either feeling great and looking bad, or, looking great and feeling bad.

Stepping on the scale is another issue. For three months straight my weight has decreased each time I weigh. This week I have been hovering around a 3 pound flux. It scares me. I'm afraid that my luck has run out and my weight is stuck. Other times I worry that I have lost so fast that even the healthy food I eat will blow me back up like a balloon. I'm not done yet- I want to keep losing at the momentum I've been at, but I think I may have plateaued for a while. I have to avoid the scale or I will drive myself crazy.

Mind games- that's what it is. I've got to find a way to turn off my head. For now I will be visualizing myself doing the things I've missed or always wanted to do...