Step 1: surgery

Here I am, on my 6th day after surgery. Laparoscopic RNY Gastric Bypass. It sounds scary, and it was, but I think the worst is over with. I was sca-ared. Bigtime. All pain is torture to me and I signed up for it.

I have been gaining weight for fifteen years. That's a long time. In the last few years I started realizing how much the weight was affecting my life. I started isolating myself. I hate going out. I hate going to sporting events, concerts, parties, reunions, weddings, funerals, and any other public event I can think of. I can't stand flying on planes. Who knows if I will be able to fit in the seat? And if I can, will I be anywhere even close to comfortable?

Sometimes I forget just how big I really am. I have avoided looking in mirrors for a very long time. I know what my face looks like, but that's all I look at; no full-length mirrors for me. I get caught by surprise sometimes. Like last week, I was walking into a store and caught my reflection in the glass door. For a second I didn't even realize that I was looking at myself. And when I did, a sort-of electric shock ran through me. Woa.

I have had some pretty clear reminders throughout the years on just how bad my weight was getting. I have worked with kids- enough said. They love reminding me how big I am. Little fuckers. I wouldn't respond to them. There's also the people who are overweight who lump me into the same category. A ginormous friend of my mother's once told me that she had lost some weight and should have given me her old clothes- excuse me? She was HUGE- and there is NO WAY I could fit into her pre-weight-loss clothes. To this day I hate that woman. She also lumped me into her category by saying something like, "Us big girls..." Hate her.

So my goal is to never have these comments said near or about me again. I have not determined my goal weight yet. I am waiting to see my doctor first. I want to be sure it is realistic.